Idolatry. One word, so many ways it is manifested in my heart. A wise man once said, "Our hearts are a factory of idols." Over the past few weeks, God's been challenging me to acknowledge idols in my life. Seeing God working, I immediately acknowledged the following idols in my life: Mackenna and Medical Websites. Now let me explain... I struggle with worry... most often about medical problems... used to worry about myself- now I worry about Mackenna. So, Mackenna has become an idol in my heart because when she is on track medically- I am happy. When she has an off day (let's say she doesn't eat as much, doesn't "coo" as much, or maybe smiles less)- then I worry. Is something wrong with her? Will she be ok? And I end up focusing all of my attention on trying to get her to do what I want her to do, rather than focusing on worshipping God. So, she's an idol in my heart. Now... medical websites... those I turn to for comfort. I quickly run to Google to answer all of my fears... "3 Month Old Refusing Bottle," "Is it normal for a 3 month old to have jerky arm movements?" and any other "fear" that pops into my mind. Usually, I end up getting a lot more than I bargained for and I discover diseases and disorders that I hadn't even known about... and then I worry...obsessively and compulsively. And then I Google more. And worry more. And Google more. And worry more. It's a vicious cycle and so I have proven... Medical Websites are an idol.
Now, what I wasn't so excited about doing was digging deeper. Sure, the above mentioned idols are valid and it is a good thing that God has shown me my folly and has helped me repent. But, beneath the obvious idols in my life, there lives a deeper, less tangible idol that has crept into every single part of my being and it wasn't until yesterday that I saw it and was shocked. I am a worshipper of ease. I want everything to be easy. I don't like doing hard things and I don't like when I don't get what I want. I have seen this so clearly over the past few months.
Being a stay-at-home mom is hard. Harder than I ever expected. So, my mind entertains thoughts of finding a daycare and going back to work full-time. Why? Because that would be EASIER. Also, having a child who is healthy is EASIER than having a child with medical problems. Which is why I get so anxious and worry so much about Mackenna. Going to Google and receiving data in .5 seconds is EASIER than humbling myself and bowing before the throne of God and working hard at thinking on things that are true and lovely.
Wow! I am so thankful for a God who doesn't just scratch the surface of our hearts but that rolls up His sleeves, scrubs in, and performs open heart surgery. It's always easier to battle an enemy that you can see. I am so thankful to God for revealing my worship of ease so that I can repent, ask for His help, and begin worshipping Him and doing hard things for His glory.
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