So, in the wee hours of Tuesday, April 13th I was admitted into the hospital with the plan of inducing labor at 7:00am. To make a long story short, Mackenna's heart rate stayed down between the "real" and "strong" contractions that were induced by Pitocin. So, I was wheeled into the O.R. for a Cesarean section. Nothing what I was expecting. Then Mackenna had a fever right away after she was born, so she was taken immediately to the NICU for observation. I always pictured nursing her immediately after birth in our hospital room, having her "room-in" with us and being pleasantly awoken by all of her newborn baby sleep sounds. Another expectation bites the dust! After confirming that she had an infection, we were told she'd need to stay in the NICU for 10 days. Wait! Wasn't I supposed to be bringing my beautiful daughter home after our standard 48-hour hospital stay? If you haven't guessed it already... another expectation down the drain!
Now, I may sound slightly sarcastic, but please don't mistake that for bitterness. God truly gave me the grace that I needed to handle these circumstances in a way that, I think, overall, brought Him glory. There were moments of tears, simply because of disappointment. But through it all, I was reminded of God's amazing wisdom and love and His complete sovereignty over every situation.
Since being home, God has shown me that I need to grow tremendously in trusting Him. Newborns do so many weird, albeit normal, things. Well, for a worrier, that leads to questions like, "Is that normal?" I've also found my mind is full of anxious, fearful, irrational thoughts. That's a noisy mind that is not focused on Christ and the joy of my salvation. **Enter wonderful, amazing, godly husband** My husband gave me an assignment after I had gotten my stomach tied up in knots searching the Internet to learn about newborn emergencies/diseases. He told me, "Trisha, do not go on the Internet. When we get off the phone, find a couple of Bible verse, memorize them, and be ready to talk to me about them when I get home." So, I'll admit. I looked at one more website after my phone call with my husband, but immediately after that, I began meditating on the following verses.
"The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You. Trust in the LORD forever, for in GOD we have an everlasting Rock." Isaiah 26:3-4
"From the end of the earth I cry out to you when my heart is faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2
From this I learned the following:
- God is the only everlasting Rock. I cannot depend on anything else to stabilize and sustain me. Mackenna cannot be my rock. I can't be dependent on her for my happiness and peace. God is everlasting and constant. He is dependable and never-changing. He is always there, will always be there, and has always been there.
- I am not an expert. There is a rock that is higher than I. I am a weak & finite and my thinking is sometimes, shall I say, irrational. I need to humble myself, admit my need, and cry out to the rock that is higher than I, my Lord, and Savior, Christ.
